


Dennis And Dee Sleep Together

by dennren



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: F/M, Gen, and i'm just re-posting from my tumblr cause i like neatness!!, charlie in lawyer mode, christian zealot mac, mostly the gang just being the gang not too shippy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-04
Updated: 2015-04-04
Packaged: 2018-03-21 05:45:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3680184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dennren/pseuds/dennren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The living situation between Mac, Dennis and Dee in her apartment leads to some unexpected bedfellows. The Gang investigates what exactly this entails.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Beginning

Hammock, couch and bedroom. Dennis had the couch (not a pullout), Mac had Dee put up a hammock for him (real badass jungle shit right there), and she kept, where the boys were forbidden, her bedroom (sought after).

Sought after: Mac had a plan. A foolproof plan, without a single hole in it. Listen.

“I can’t sleep in the hammock tonight you guys.”

“Fine than you can sleep on the floor.”

Mac looked straight at Dennis, mouth gaping and wondering how to combat that logic. It poked a hole in his plan. Dennis was draining his beer, ignoring him, and Mac tipped his own beer, confused and trying to re-formulate in his head.

He tried again a few days later. “You guys; the floor, the hammock, I can’t do it. I need some softness under my body dudes. It’s not good for me, these hard surfaces. I can feel my spine cramping up more and more every night.”

“Your spine cramping up.”

“Yes Dee, listen.” Mac bent his arms up and stood silent. Dee and Dennis stared at him with blank distaste as he twisted his torso a quarter of an inch to the left, right, left, right. Mouthing intermittently, “Ya hear it? Ya hear it? Ya hear it?”

“I don’t hear a goddamm thing.”

“It’s cracking dude! Look! There it goes again.” He twisted around a few more times. But Charlie and Frank were arguing across the bar and the atmosphere wasn’t totally conducive to hearing the minute workings of Mac’s vertebrae. Maybe there was, in fact, back trouble there. Dennis and Dee didn’t give a shit either way.

Dennis was a second away from voicing this opinion when Dee threw over his head. “Fine, you take the couch tonight and Dennis can sleep on the floor.”

Dennis whipped around to face her. “What? What? Do I have to suffer because of some made up ailment that will no way affect Mac’s lifestyle of sitting and drinking all goddamn day? That couch is my mine.”

“Actually it’s mine.”

“Bird, no it isn’t! I’m using it! It’s mine. End of story! Mac can sleep in the bed. Mac you’re sharing with Dee tonight.”

“Hell no! What? You don’t get to decide that Dennis. It’s my apartment.”

“Yeah, I don’t know if I’m comfortable wi-“

“Holy shit” Dennis interjected. “I don’t care. I’ve decided. This is what we’re doing. I’m not talking about it anymore.”

Dennis walked away from them. Charlie shouted at him as he approached. “DENNIS Ohmig-“

“Silence!” Dennis shouted back. Charlie went quiet, and Dennis disappeared into the back office.

That night Mac walked into Dee’s room with a pillow under his arm, wearing a grey t-shirt and plaid pajama pants that pooled around his feet. He looked scared.

“Oh holy shit.” Dee was already in bed, and turned on her stomach and put a pillow over her head.

They remained that way for some time. Dee vibrating annoyance and burning hatred for the man on her couch, and Mac letting his eyes roll around the room in embarrassment and confusion.

Dee broke the silence with a guttural noise. “Fine goddamn it. Fine. But you touch me once Mac and I’ll kick you in the balls so hard you’ll puke them out your throat. Get in, asswipe.

Mac inched toward the bed, wary. He sat down gingerly on the edge of it. “As a Catholic, Dee, I hope you know I would never transgress on your woman body without your complete on-boardness and—”

“Oh shitttt.” She threw her pillow and slammed her hands against the mattress multiple times. “Just get in and go to sleep.”


	2. Middle

Dee rolled over for the fifth time that night and shut her eyes tight, willing herself to finally fall asleep. She knew what would happen if she got up, and she’d stayed put the whole night with the intention of never letting that thing happen. But when her eyes snapped open for the sixth time, she whined to herself and rushed to the bathroom.

When she wandered back into the bedroom, she found exactly what she was expecting, although knowing it would be there didn’t stop her from wanting to tear her hair out and glue it to Mac’s palms. The idiot was spread eagle across her whole mattress, drooling on her pillow. Her eyes were burning with sleeplessness as she walked back into the living room. Dennis was a log on the couch, and she spent the better part of a minute and the last of her energy trying to shove him awake.

“Goddammit Dennis.” she sneered into his sleeping face, then ripped the blanket off him and wrapped it around herself before wandering to the edge of the couch where his feet were propped on the armrest. Squeezing herself between his body and the back of the couch, she propped her pillow against her brother’s legs and made sure her foot was stuck between his nose and mouth. With any luck, she’d kill him.

\- - -

“Uuuuuuuummmmmmmmmm.”

Mac was the first one awake the next morning. “Uummmmmmmm,” he repeated.

He was standing in the middle of the living room. Trying to decide as he stared at the couch how much he could steal from the refrigerator as he packed his things for Frank and Charlie’s.

Dennis started waking up as he stood there. Mac watched as he blinked past the sunlight and blonde hair obstructing his vision. Slowly, confused, he raised his hands from around Dee’s back. He kept them up as he regarded Dee snoring on his chest, her body lying dead and heavy between his legs. He glanced alarmedly at Mac, who watched transfixed as he let out a little yelp then quickly rolled his body sideways so Dee fell to the floor between the couch and the coffee table. She woke up too.

“Dennis, what the hell!”

“Dee,” Dennis sputtered. “Dee, what the hell?”

“Um,” Mac said. “What the hell happened last night?”

“I had to sleep on the couch because you’re a bed hogger Mac! What was I supposed to do?”

“Sleep in the hammock of course Dee! Sleep in the hammock! You put it up for a reason!”

“I wasn’t going to get into that hammock Dennis. It’s bad for my spine.”

“You people and your spines! Jesus. How could such an essential part of your body be such shit.”

“YOU KNOW WHY DENNIS”

“Hold up.” Mac put up a hand. “Can I just clear something up before we continue here?” Mac closed his eyes. “Did anything sexual-“

“NO!”

“NOOOO-”

He pointed to the wall. “Because this cross stands for something you guys-“

“UGH I cannot stand you two turkeyjerks any longer. You better sort out whatever sleeping arrangement SHIT you need to in here because I’m not sharing my bed again. You’re both staying at my apartment instead of Charlie and Frank’s out of the kindness of my goddamn heart. So stop treating this place like your goddamn kingdom and appreciate it you circlecunts.” Dee straightened out of the black-eyed stoop-shouldered stance she had crunched these words out from, then picked up a pillow and threw it at Dennis’ crotch. “I’m taking a shower. Do something about that while I’m in there.”

Dee sauntered off. Mac whipped his head around to Dennis, eyes wide. Dennis just dropped his head to the armrest and closed his eyes.

“Stop looking at it.”

Mac whipped his head around again.

\- - -

Frank and Charlie were at the bar when Mac, Dee and Dennis walked in. Mac sat down stiffed-backed on Charlie’s far side. Dee and Dennis sat together a stool or two away from Frank. Charlie and Frank were discussing the practicality of ensnaring all the cats outside their apartment window in some kind of rat exterminating scheme when the absolute awkwardness of the others halted them in their fever pitch.

“What’s up with you three?” Frank asked.

“Nothing!” Mac yelped quickly. His glance was darting between Dennis and Dee like a crazed animal.

“Nothing.” Dee and Dennis said in unison.

“Do you two want to hear our rat-killin’ plan?” Frank asked them bluntly.

“No!”

“Not even a little.”

“Well it’s gotta be discussed, me and Charlie see a real future in-“

Dennis raised an arm in a vigorous swatting motion. “Office. Back office. Talk about it in in the back office.”

“Alright!” Frank jumped from his stool and waddled away from Dennis and Dee. “Charlie, Mac come with me.”

Frank closed the door to the back office with a clear click then spun his body to face Mac. “Ok Mac, spill! Why are you acting so weird? What the hell happened at Deandra’s last night?”

Charlie had his arms crossed, and was watching Mac as he sat at the desk and cradled his head in his hands. He turned to Frank while Mac anguished. “Also was Dee wearing one of Dennis’ shirts dude or what?”

“The button-down? Over her shirt? Noticed that too huh?”

“Yeah dude, looked so similar.” Charlie laughed, “What the hell.”

“I think Mac can tell us Charlie!” Frank’s tone was suddenly accusatory and penetrating, his beady eyes turned to Mac, magnified behind his thick glasses. “Can’t you Mac?”

Mac raised his head from his hands and stared at the ceiling. He got up and went moaning and lurching over to the blackboard. Charlie and Frank listened to the scratch of chalk against the hard blackboard-material as he wrote.

Once he’d dropped the chalk, Frank’s eyes went wide in recognition, Charlie’s in partial recognition.


	3. End

“I knew it.” Frank hissed.

“Furching? Fur-chhhin-ink?” Charlie squinted at the blackboard. “Forking? Oh, forking! Duh. Wait, what’s forking got to do with Dennis and Dee?”

“Charlieee” Mac whined.

“Not ‘or’ Charlie, ‘uck.’”

“Uck?’ Ok, so…” Charlie grinned then stopped, eyes suddenly empty and big. “Oh shit. Are you for real?”

“Real as God the heavenly Father in all his glory Charlie.” Mac paled.

“I’m going to take that as a yes and ask….why?”

“We’re in for another demon spawn…” Frank was muttering distantly to himself.

“This is a joke right?”

“I wonder if it will somehow gain your embryo strength, Charlie, the demon….like a mutant spider-child…”

“No! Mac shouted,” No, we don’t even know if they’re actually doing anything. I would know. We all live in the same place. I would have noticed something.”

“Well have you? If they’re banging we need to stop it! Have you seen anything? Heard anything?”

“Felt or smelt anything?” Charlie added from over Frank’s shoulder, squinting his eyes in his most professional, lawyer-like manner.

“No! And you know me, I have eyes on everything, all the time. Dennis is almost never out of my sight, we sleep in the same room—although.” Mac paused, meeting both their eyes and cocking an eyebrow. He began speaking again, only this time very rapidly. “At our place Dennis and I used to have a go-to-sleep beer before hitting the hay. It’s a tradition that’s kind of fallen by the wayside since we moved to Dee’s, but since then if we do have one I’ve been getting super tired after just one. I fall asleep for the whole night. Seriously, out as shit”.

“Well that’s unusual. You’re turning into a lightweight Mac.”

“No Charlie. I don’t think he is.” Frank said cryptically. Then he walked over the blackboard and picked up the chalk.

Mac read the message once he’d finished: ‘APPLE SEEDS IN BEER’.

“Poison!!” Charlie screeched. “Untraceable poison at that? These two are good…and definitely banging.”

\- - -

Charlie cracked open the back office door. He spied around from the small slit a moment before letting the door swinging open on its creaking hinges. In the succeeding silence, Mac, Frank, and Charlie shuffled out the door and back onto their stools.

The all sat quietly. Dee and Dennis on their side of the bar; Mac, Frank and Charlie on the other. Only the occasional sound of a beer bottle being placed gingerly back on the bar punctuated the silence.

Mac finally spoke. “Soooo anybody read any good books lately?”

“I hear that GRR Tolkien is great…” Charlie looked at Frank who nodded solemnly.

Nobody answered.

“Yuppp” Charlie said.

Into the ether.

There was a sudden crash of glass and Mac sprung up from his stool and blurted distraughtly. “OH MY GOD WE KNOW YOU’RE BANGING.”

“IT’S OUT!” Frank shouted and fell off his stool to point an accusatory figure at his children. Charlie meanwhile vaulted over the top of the bar and disappeared behind it.

Dennis came up to stand next to Dee at her stool. He and Dee smirked at each other, then turned to the gang and put on their best patronizing smiles.

“What what? What are you talking about?” Dee said.

“Look this isn’t the first time this has come up you guys. And you know what? The vast majority of those times, it’s not true!” Dennis started laughing in a very light-hearted and reassuring manner, “Come on, come on, come onnnn. Aren’t we above such base accusations?”

Frank furrowed his brow suspiciously. Charlie scrambled back over the bar with his headphones, tape recorder and microphone.

Mac stepped forward. “Trust but verify dudes. Now…” he crossed his arms, Dennis rolled his eyes. “Sweet Dee!” He switched his laser focus. “Are you or are you not wearing one of Dennis’ shirts right now?”

“Ummmm yes. Yes I am Mac. And I’ll tell you the rational explanation for that: Dennis is a vain asshole. Who burned his apartment down and now has no place for himself or his shit. And although it’s a useless waste of money the asshole likes to have his shirts washed and pressed at the dry cleaners, and to keep them pristine afterwards he hangs them in my closet. If I happen to wear one by accident one day and smear urinal cake or spill beer all over, well that’s his problem.”

Dennis turned his head to her and made a hurt noise. Dee just jerked her head in a familiar ‘that’s right shithead’ gesture and swigged her beer.

“Okay” Mac said, arms at his sides again and sharing a glance with Charlie. “I can sort of get that. Next question!”

“Are you drugging my go-to-sleep beer Dennis?”

Dennis propped an arm against the bar behind Dee, an exasperated and irritated look on his face. “Why the hell would you think that? I give it to you unopened yes?”

“I don’t know…yes?”

“And even if I was drugging you as you say, what reason would I have?”

“So you can bone your sister without us findin’ out!” Frank shouted.

“But I’m not banging my sister! So there’s no reason for me to be drugging any beers.”

Mac put his hands on his hips. He thought about this for a moment. “Oh.”

Charlie fiddled with his recording equipment. “I don’t know Mac. Seems like pretty solid evidence. I think we can clear them. We might want to review the tape just to be sure but I think we’re through—“

“Wait! Wait. What about the bon—“

“Hey! Charlie, I’d really like to hear about this rat exterminating service.”

Charlie dropped his tape recorder to the ground. “Dee, wait ‘til you do, you will not be disappointed.”

Dee began nodding her head with a huge smile on her face as Charlie and Frank came up and started whispering to her.

Dennis, meanwhile, smiled at Mac. He stepped up to him. Mac backed up a step, looking about ready to put up his arms up in some offensive maneuver. But Dennis just slung an arm around his shoulders. “How ya doin’ man, good? Good, good. Hey you! Why don’t you take the couch tonight, my gift to you. Whaddaya say?”

That night, Mac was knocked out on the couch. Two empty beer bottles clinked together as he turned over onto them in his sleep.

Dennis was watching him with a mostly full beer in his hand, then got up and pushed open the doors to Dee’s bedroom. Dee was expecting him evidently, she was standing on the other side of the doors and started whacking him immediately. Dennis cowered and walked further into the room, away from her.

“You bitch! Stop that!”

“Dennis you idiot!” She hit him a few more times than left him to cower. She sat down on the edge of the bed and startled fiddling blindly with the laces of her shoes.

“Mac, Frank and Charlie probably think the McPoyles are less creepy than us right now.”

“Relax we’re fine.” “We’ve got nothing to worry about, I handled the situation flawlessly. You wearing that stupid shirt did not help, but I mean I couldn’t have expected more from you could I….”

“Oh, oh, you’re the one to talk. With what happened this morning.”

“What happened this morning, Dee,” he was looking down, more focused on the buttons of his shirt than her, “is last night you threw your trash body where it didn’t belong and suffered the repercussions of that.” He was rolling up his belt in a neat circle, smiling indulgently as he shook his head. “You’re lucky I’m always around to save your ass I tell you…”

She glared at him as he backed up on the bed, shoving away sheets and pillows as he went. “You save my ass? You would have convinced them of their dumb fantasy if it wasn’t for my quick improv.”

“Quick improv she says! Like I hadn’t handed you that explanation only moments before!”

“That is a complete lie! And you—ohhh argghh—” She scratched furiously at the skin of her thigh, then found Dennis’ belt, letting it unravel as she gripped the end of it. She crawled up to him and dug her nails into his hair, lifting his head so she could loop the belt around his neck. “You’re such a dick.” she spat, then lowered herself down to his mouth.


End file.
